Everything's great but...

So here we are several weeks later and Josh is doing great, even smiling and giggling.

Sometimes I think God throws a spoke in my tire just to see if I'll wipe out or recover before I hit the tree of life.

So this morning around 4:00 am Laurie quite panicked woke me from my almost comatose sleep. I'd been traveling quite a bit and going to bed early. She was quite nervous because our new baby Josh who's seizures were now under control was having a seizure.

This lasted over 5 minutes, we were told that over 5 minutes we should get him to the hospital fast so without hesitation I called 911. Laurie who had never called 911 was very panicked and kept saying in the background "tell them to hurry" "why are they asking so many questions?" not realizing that an ambulance was already on it's way. Within 5 minutes a fire truck and ambulance with over 6 people were in my driveway and soon all these people in my house.

Josh was breathing very hard and yelping like the first time but this time he seemed calmer some how. He had a fixed stare at nothing in particular but a pale scared face which broke my heart. Just that night he was smiling at me and now he had such far away look. So here we are again the two people this child looks to for support feeling totally useless and unable to help our baby, trusting that our health care system will make him better again.

We wrapped Josh in a blanket very quickly and Laurie and all of these people left for the hospital leaving me with such a feeling of helplessness and fear.

Seems that every time I need God I make sure my friend Lorri knows so that she can say a special prayer. She's a friend who I've never met and who I talk to like a pen pal. We share ideas and thoughts quite a bit. I think God linked us together so that I could talk honestly to a woman as a friend without feeling weird about it. My guy friends wouldn't understand my faith in God or how much I appreciate my wife and kids. Most just remember the old me that partied with them. That Emile is gone and some of those friends have gone away too. It's nice to share thoughts and feelings with someone who doesn't judge me.

Next I cancelled all of my appointments and found a sitter for Emile Jr. and headed for the ER. This time I didn't call the church or Pastors, not sure why.

After finding them I kissed Laurie and checked how she was, surprisingly she was OK. Josh opened his eyes when he heard my voice. As our eyes met he looked at me and smiled. I think he was trying to tell me it was going to be OK.

As usual I called the parents and emailed everybody in my family list to let them know, knowing that I was committing myself to replying to emails all day long. The first doctor we met at 9:00 am said that most likely the reason he had a seizure was because he gained quite a bit of weight for his age group and that the medication would need to be increased. They also found that he had a small case of pneumonia caused by a lung infection caused by a build up of mucus gone unnoticed by the doctors, definitely not a lack of visiting physicians because God knows Laurie has been extremely busy with appointments.

So our day has been pretty much a day of tests, probing, poking and stress. Everyone emailed but I haven't emailed back, family has called but I just don't have the energy to call all these people back. My main concern today was giving the children and Laurie a sense of protection even though hearing Laurie say to me tonight that Josh hasn't been sleeping well because he's afraid and confused made me want to just cry, die and scream all at once. How can we allow our small baby to be afraid? I promised him 10 weeks ago that this wouldn't happen again, did I lie?

Did God break our deal? Did I?
With all of the information I've processed today, the only thing that stuck was that my baby was afraid and it's affecting me in a profound way, maybe I'm just tired....maybe I'm afraid.

It's so hard to be the rock and the man who gives information. Last time I had Ann but this time she's not here for me. My parents make it worst, family although they mean well sometimes don't help. Ann gives me logic as well as a balance of knowledge and compassion that got me through last time. She may be a Mother in law but I consider her a friend too.

Although it looks bad today, I have faith that all will be good tommorow and that God will honour our deal, even though he doesn't have to. Prayer and faith more than the doctors will help Josh. I'll get the courage to call, email and meet everyone at the hospital one by one and repeat until the last person goes home, stops emailing and calling.

It's my job, I'm a dad and i wouldnt give it up for anything.

Emile